Thursday, September 30th, 2010 at
3:07 am
To start I’m only a teenager, when I was born I was named after my great-grandmother and my Aunts hated me for it. So I didn’t exactly feel a lot of love there. I was stalked when I was a kid, I didn’t have a lot of friends and this person tried to become my friend. I don’t really remember him because of the trauma, but he would make me believe every day that I was worthless and useless and that I should just kill myself. We moved to another place later on and I never saw him again, I don’t remember anything of my childhood because the trauma locked the memories away in my head. I grew up being bullied at school but I got good grades and some friends. My dad started getting sick, he was a diabetic, an alcoholic and a smoker, he had to quit his job. Eventually he was too sick to do much. He’s had six heart attacks and eventually he started depending on his kids. Me, my little sister and brother had to look after him because my mother had to go to work and supply for a household of five. The problem was that my dad never learnt his lesson. He had a lot of strokes with death and would depend on us, but then he would go get himself drunk again. He has a very horrible temper and he loves to hurt me, he’d swear and yell at me for nothing and call me a f*cking bitch, a mistake who couldn’t do anything right, I was worthless, a slut (even though I’ve never had a bf) every bad thing under the sun, he’d publically humiliate me in front of people. We were at the Sky Tower for New Years once and he yelled at me and tried to hit me with his cane in front of everyone, everyone just stopped and stared and I tried to run away. He does this too me a lot. My mum is always at work and she makes excuses for him, she doesn’t think we have a hard life and says that he still loves us. My dad does try to be a normal dad, but I can’t do anything right to him, and he ends up hurting me somehow so I can’t keep trying to forgive him. I’m the oldest and he’s harder on me because he thinks I have to be, he publically humiliates me, hurts me etc to make me stronger. I’ve never been able to go out on a family dinner or anywhere with my dad without being humiliated or hurt. My mum blamed me for things that weren’t my fault because we weren’t helping. My friends depended on me at school, they’d complain about their lives and boyfriends to me and they wouldn’t listen to me about mine. I ended up depressed, suicidal and so I started trying to tell myself that I had to be strong. I kept my home life to myself and tried to focus on my academic studies. Things got worse, I learned I had Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and I tried to tell someone, my parents were shaken but they never talk about it. My dad went back to abusing me. I couldn’t tell anybody and my mum said I didn’t need to see a counsellor or something. My five year-old cousin nearly drowned me in a pool but my mother was too busy laughing because I was beaten by a five year old child. Every time I try to tell my friends for help they somehow change the conversation; eventually I learned I couldn’t trust them either. I’m starting to think seriously about taking my life but I don’t want too, I got over it before, but I need help. Am I what they think I am? Or am I just really weak and can’t handle the pressure? Please help
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